I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
