she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
