i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
