I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
