if only i could text you this smell
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
