i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
