is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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