Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
