This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
