It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
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Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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