I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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