Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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