so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
