Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
