We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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