Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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