sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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