I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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