i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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