If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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