if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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