I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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