I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
