i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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