the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
