I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
