y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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