I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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