Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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