before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
