Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
