even my farts smell like vagina
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
