i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
