Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
