i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
