yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
