He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
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I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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