I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
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I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
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He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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