We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
