Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
