I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
