you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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