Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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