Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
