This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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