I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
