I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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