I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
