No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
