THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
