i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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