God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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