Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
