Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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