a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
