All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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